October 17, 2018

Things that Dexter Lawrence is bigger than

Dexter Lawrence and a bunch of things that are smaller than him

Dexter Lawrence and a bunch of things that are smaller than him (Original Photo via ClemsonTigers.com)

On the evening of Monday August 1st, 2016 inside the Clemson football program’s weight room, we witnessed a suspected 18-year-old human being step on a scale. What happened next is almost hard to believe. Unconfirmed reports of the ground shaking surfaced as that 18-year-old individual stepped on the scale. This was not believed to have occurred based on natural circumstances, but instead out of fear. What happened after that is even harder to believe…the scale read 342 pounds. Now normally this wouldn’t be considered a big deal here in the United States of America as we have an obesity epidemic on our hands, but this individual I speak of carries his weight in as much of a “non-obese” way that a 342lb man can. This is ground breaking stuff, literally.

His name is Dexter Lawrence, he plays defensive tackle at Clemson, and here is a comprehensive list of things that he is indeed bigger than:

Any other Clemson football player on the 2016 team (Several different weights accounted for)
The next closer contender in that weight room on Monday August 1st 2016 was offensive guard Tyrone Crowder at 333lbs. You’ve really got to feel for Tyrone, as he was slated to be the feature piece of this article up until Clemson brought in the Lawrence kid. Perhaps I should write another article listing the things that a Crowder and Lawrence combination are heavier than at 675lbs.

1,550 blueberry muffins (Average weight: 3.5 ounces)
I guess your main concern surrounds what size muffins we’re talking about here and I’ve got to be honest I don’t have an answer for you other than it’s not a “mini.” Your other concern is whether or not Dexter could eat all +1500 muffins. I hear he’s more of a banana nut guy, but I’d still be willing to bet he could.

3,102,040 water droplets (Average weight: 49.9 milligrams)
An easier way to interpret this is that 342 lbs is equivalent to 41 gallons of water. That’s 4 full Gatorade water coolers, which may not seem like a lot but if you’ve ever tried to carry one you know that’s a two-man job.

1,140 McDonalds Quarter Pounders (Average weight: 0.30lbs depending on toppings)
Does anyone even like McDonald’s burgers? Easily the worst of the fast food chains. Anyways, if someone were to ingest 1,140 quarter pounders they would be consuming 475,380 calories and 22,800 grams of fat. So there’s that.

2.08 TJ Chase’s (Actual weight: 164lbs)
Someone was bound to have this spot, and it just so happens to be the last freshman to enroll this summer. Chase, a 4-star WR signee out of Florida, had the lowest recorded weight at the weigh in on Monday earning him a spot on this list. Hard to believe two TJ Chase’s doesn’t even equal one Dexter Lawrence. FWIW, it would take 1.80 of me to make one Dexter Lawrence. (Go ahead and get out your calculator)

390 properly inflated collegiate footballs (Average weight: 14 ounces)
No New England footballs here.

114 tiger cubs (Average weight: 3.0lbs)
Well isn’t this fitting since Lawrence is now a Tiger and is also a freshman, which is quite comparable to being a cub. This is also bad news for the Auburn Tigers who will have to face a man that possesses the power of 114 tiger cubs.

6.33 British bulldogs (Average weight: 54lbs)
I spent some time analyzing South Carolina State’s mascot trying to determine what type of bulldog it was and this is what I came up with. Maybe a bulldog enthusiast can confirm or deny my comparison. Either way this is bad news for Clemson’s second opponent.

155,454 yellow jackets (Average weight: 1 gram)
“Not sure if you saw it or not, but what are your thoughts on Clemson’s freshman defensive tackle Dexter Lawrence weighing more that 155K yellow jackets?” Can you imagine the look on Paul Johnson’s face. If anyone can make this happen I promise I’ll love you forever. The response would be epic. This is also bad news for Georgia Tech.

3,648 cardinals (Average weight: 1.5 ounces)
Anyone else surprised that cardinals weight less than 2 ounces? I sure as hell was. This is very bad news for Bobby Petrino’s Louisville squad that has to travel to Death Valley this year.

31 golden eagles (Average weight: 11lbs)
Interesting fact here: Females actually average weight is 3lbs more than the males a 8lbs. Perhaps I should have used the male version in my calculation above, but Boston College is known for producing offensive linemen so I went with the heavier average weight. You’re welcome BC fans, but this is still bad news for you guys.

912 medium sized oranges (Average weight: 6 ounces)
There is no available statistical data on the weight of an “Orangeman” so this is what you get Syracuse fans. Still bad news.

2.74 grey wolves (Average weight: 125lbs, the range provided was 66-180lbs so I split that in half)
I ran into a similar issue here as I did with the bulldog situation. I researched different types of wolves to compare them to NC State’s logo and a grey wolf is the best I could do. If you know exactly what type of wolf the Wolfpack represents then feel free to let me know. Despite my struggles, this is still semi-bad news for NC State.

57 roosters w/feathers (Average weight: 6lbs)
There are also a ton of different chicken breeds, but I just found a nice little average to roll with. If I could weigh “Sir Big Spur” I would, but those resources are not available to me. He does stand on a small little PVC pipe during the games, so he can’t weight that much, leading me to be comfortable with my 6lb average. Word around the water cooler is that Dexter loves to eat chicken, which makes this very bad news for new South Carolina head coach Will Muschamp.

85 roosters w/o feathers (Average weight: 4lbs)
This is representative of football teams that only win 3 out of 12 games. Bad news for football fans at the University of South Carolina.

1.16 empty 26-foot side by side Kenmore refrigerators (Average weight: 295lbs)
When you’re 342lbs and play defensive tackle at Clemson you’re going to draw connections to Tiger legend William “The Refrigerator” Perry. So what better way to conclude this piece than to see how Lawrence stacks up to a fridge. It’s pretty close, but this is bad news if you’re an empty fridge and Dexter is hungry.


Let’s paint a picture for those of your that prefer an easy to analyze visual over reading a bunch of gibberish writing. Given the wide range of numbers for things that Dexter Lawrence is bigger than this will only include a few select categories; therefore, this cannot be considered as a comprehensive resource of things that Dexter Lawrence is bigger than.



CONCLUSION: Dexter Lawrence is an extremely large individual and should be approached with extreme caution.


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